I’ll be showing you 7 key ways how you can jump from being an Average Listener to being a Good Listener today.
I'll be simplistic: All of us love good listeners.
They make us feel important, that our opinions matter and that they care about us.
Being a good listener sounds like a meek character trait, but it has a lot of power.
Your personal life and work lives flourish if you are a good listener
Why would anyone wish to be a good listener?
Simply put, if you are a good listener, people will naturally flock to you if they have an issue. People will love talking to you, listening to you and as time passes, care and respect you.
I know - some of you think it's horrifying to have people come and talk to you when they are facing small problems here and there ;)
You don't have to solve their problems.
If you apply my 7 Steps below, you can enjoy the benefits of having meaningful relationships with the people around you.
How does this benefit you in the workplace and at home?
In many ways, as you can imagine.
If you are a leader and you are a good listener, your subordinates will cooperate with you.
If you are a subordinate and you are a brilliant listener, your superior will care for your opinions. And even approach you for your viewpoint on matters.
All this sounds simplistic, but human beings are essentially simple in nature ;)
If you are a mother, you can imagine all the Heaven’s doors opening when you are a good listener to your child.
In short, your child will
- Confide in you more often (no more confiding in questionable ‘friends’)
- Truly care about you
- Be a genuinely good person because he has a mother who is understanding. (no need for him to look for bad company to get acceptance)
If your child is a teen or pre-teen, it's even more crucial to be good listeners to them... before they start looking around for 'friends' to 'understand' their frustrations.
How do I become a good listener in 7 Steps?
There are 7 steps to becoming a good listener
Step 1: Which level are you at?
Step 2: Use Proper Body Language
Step 3: Ask more questions
Step 4: Don’t give advice
Step 5: The Magic of Paraphrasing
Step 6: Be silent
Step 7: My Tips on How to talk to angry people
Step 1 : Which level are you at?
There are 5 levels of listening.
Which one are you at?
Let’s assume a scenario where your friend, Janice, is confiding in you that she has been stressed out at work recently.
Janice: "I've been very stressed at work recently. My colleague just quit and I have to take on her work load. My boss is not showing signs of hiring someone new. My work load has doubled and I have been bringing work home and working till 1 am on many nights."
Definition
Example
Level 1 (Very bad reply)
Very unhelpful reply.
Your reply: ‘You think you are stressed? You should listen to my day at work today!’
Level 2
(Very bad reply)
Giving advice and solutions before exploring the issue properly.
Your reply: ‘You should talk to your boss! Tell him that your workload is too much!'
Level 3
(Ok reply)
A reply which is not helpful or harmful. You are reflecting Janice's emotions.
Your reply: ‘I can sense that you are feeling frustrated by your workload.’
Level 4
(Ok reply)
Summarising Janice's thoughts and feelings.
Your reply: 'I can sense that you are frustrated by your workload and would like to reduce your amount of work and working hours.'
Level 5
(Good reply)
Helping Janice move forward after acknowledging her feelings and thoughts.
Note: It will take some rounds of Level 3 and 4 to understand Janice's situation better before you reach this stage.
Your reply:
'I can sense that you are frustrated by your workload and would like to reduce your amount of work and working hours. What do you think you can do to achieve this?'
This is a simplified table to pinpoint which level our listening skills are at.
If we are practising at Levels 1 & 2, it's time to move on to Levels 3,4 and 5 :)
Step 2: Use Proper Body Language
What facial expression should you keep on your face when someone is telling you something?
The best facial expression is to keep a slight smile on your face and your eyebrows neutral.
This is useful if you work with clients or customers and they tell you something which you don’t like to hear.
Your eye contact is important. Break off your eye contact every 3-4 seconds so that you don’t creep anyone out.
You might feel shy or uncomfortable making eye contact when talking to certain people (someone you admire, someone you have wronged before etc).
To combat this, you can look at the person in between his eyebrows instead.
This tip doesn’t work for me because I get distracted when doing so. My mind will drift. But, it helps - according to body language experts.
Dont cross your arms when talking to someone. Uncross them to seem as though you are at ease and open to the other person’s ideas.
Step 3: Ask more questions
Don’t ask a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ question.
Example of a 'yes' or 'no' question: “Did you talk to Linda today?”
Ask open-ended questions. These will engage the person you are speaking to.Example of an open-ended question: What do you think made Daniel do that?
Ask clarifying questions to show that you are paying attention.As you can guess, ‘clarifying questions’ give you more info about your friend's situation.For example: “Where did this incident take place?”‘How long have you been working for this boss?’
Step 4 : Don’t give advice
Yes, do not give people advice.
This is so contrary to what most of us believe.
We think that our friends want advice and solutions when they rant to us about something.
Most of the time, they just want us to listen. You can reply by paraphrasing (check out Step 5).
IF your friend wants your advice or input, you can ask these 3 questions:
- ‘How do you think you can make the situation better?’
- ‘What other ways can we think of?’
- ‘How about trying XYZ method?’’
As a counsellor, I don’t support giving advice.
Firstly, we don’t know our friends’ problems 100%. She might have left out certain details, and so on.
We can give suggestions in a question format, such as the 3 questions above.
Besides, if your advice backfires, you will be in deep trouble.
Step 5: The Magic of Paraphrasing
Paraphrasing is a 'magical' skill, in my opinion.
It can instantly add warmth to your relationships. It can also build an empathetic relationship between you and another person fast.
This precious bond means that he or she will unwittingly share a lot of information with you.
Paraphrasing makes another person feel understood.
This is useful if you are talking to teenagers, subordinates, friends, colleagues etc.
Paraphrasing is not merely repeating what the other person is saying.
Good paraphrasing means that you are reflecting the emotions of the person talking to you.
For example:
Jennifer said: I don't think I can cope with the huge amount of work I have to do in the office. I am so tired that I feel like quitting!You: So Jennifer, if I'm hearing you right, you are frustrated about the amount of work you have to do.Jennifer: Yes, you are right!
Try this with your husband, teenage child, colleague tomorrow and see how fast they warm up to you and share information with you. :)
Step 6: Be silent
If you are an extraverted person, it's tempting to interrupt another person with solutions and advice when they are talking. ;)
To encourage a person to keep talking, or if you don't know what to say, you can just:
- Nod your head with a neutral facial expression
- Say 'I see', 'Uh-huh', 'Hmm'
- Saying neutral sentences like, 'Tell me more', 'What did you do?', 'Did that method work?', 'What's your next step?'
Step 7: My Tips on How to talk to angry people
This is a tricky situation.
My tips will be:
- Stay calm
- Stay neutral
- Say, 'I see', 'Uh huh', whilst nodding your head (refer to Step 5)
- REFRAIN from giving advice, tips or solutions to angry people until they have calmed down
- If you are a pro at this, you can paraphrase the angry person's words (refer to Step 6) in a calm voice
An article from Mindtools.com suggests that you 'Distract' an angry person by creating a joke or asking them to watch a funny online video. Oh, the horror.
I'll say - No, don't distract an angry person this way. It's like lighting a fire to a bomb.
Even if a person is just mildly angry, using my 5 tips above is much better as it makes the person feel understood and calm.
Let the angry person finish ranting and you will notice that he or she will calm down as the ranting goes on.
They need to release that angry energy and if you happen to be their target, just apply the 5 tips above.
I hope the article above is very helpful to you. Or, at least, gives you an idea or 2 on how to be a better communicator.
Have you tried any of the 7 steps above?
If yes, leave your comments below and tell me if they have worked (or not) for you.
See you in my next article and a have a good day.
Shikah