How to Stop Comparing Ourselves with Others (and be happy where you are)
Comparing ourselves with other people is a natural thing to do. It’s also the fastest way to kill your own happiness. With social media, it’s so easy to compare ourselves with the perfect pictures that other people post online.
So why is it not good for us?
When we compare our own weaknesses with another person’s strength, it’s a losing game.
A person your age might be running a lucrative business and you are not working, for example If you compare yourself with him, you might be beating yourself thinking I should have done this, I should have achieved that, I feel like a failure etc.
Well…you might not be talented at business like your friend, but you might have a gift for something else. So your friend adds value to society by offering his business services whereas you can add value by sharing your talent or skill – be it teaching, cooking, care-giving or anything else.
There is no point comparing yourself with him because you are both likely talented in very different areas.
I have chosen 3 ways for us to stop comparing ourselves with other people.
1. Know yr blessings
This is so cliche, but be aware of your own blessings. There are other people out there who think u are lucky – maybe you have a loving family, a supportive husband, genuine friends, you have well-behaved children or u are doing a job you love. So your friend may be running a multi million dollar business, but you have a group of genuine friends who love u for u are – which your successful friend might or might not have. Everyone is blessed in different ways.
2. Stop Yourself
If you catch yourself comparing yourself with another person, take a deep breath and pause for a bit. Don’t beat yourself up for thinking that way but acknowledge that you are now comparing yourself to your friend Wendy and gently change the focus of your thoughts.
3. Be Happy for Others’ Achievements
It’s easy to feel envious when a friend has achieved something that we secretly want to achieve as well. If you feel envy, it’s good to be upfront and say, ‘I wish I have the same success as you! I’m so envious.’ When you are honest about your envy, it feels as though a weight has been lifted off your shoulders and it’s the first step to improving yourself. Also, celebrate your own successes. Share with trusted people if you feel good about a job promotion, if you have a pay raise and so on.
So essentially, life is not a competition, it doesn’t matter if you are up in the ranks or make the most money or not. Let’s face it – as long as you have people who love you, health, a place to live, food, you are blessed. And I’m sure many of you watching this have all of that and more.
So the 3 steps to stop comparing yourself with others are 1) Know your blessings 2) Stop yourself 3) Be happy for others’ success
Have a good week.
4 Basic Ways to Bounce Back from Embarrassing Mistakes and ‘Failures’ (Resilience)
https://youtu.be/BUXj0v8MoI8
Why is resilience important ? Let’s face it, we can’t avoid certain stressful events from happening.
At times we will make mistakes and fail at something. This is normal and part of life.
For some of us, we brush away challenges and failures very easily. For the rest of us, setbacks make us feel depressed and we give up.
So how do we be more resilient?
When I was a school counsellor, I noticed a few key factors which set strong students apart from the not-so-strong ones.
Firstly, strong-minded people practise reframing. How do we reframe? Ask yourself after a setback: ‘What do I learn from this setback?’. ‘What will I continue to do or not do after this experience?’ ‘How can I be a better, stronger person after this?’
Secondly, gain perspective. On a Scale of 1 – 10, how would you rate this unpleasant experience? How will you feel about this 1 year from now? Will this event still matter 1 year from now? There will be some of us who will worry what other people think of us and our ‘failures’. Well guess what. Other people are too busy living their lives to think extensively about you. So don’t let your past mistakes haunt you till today.
Thirdly, recall your past successes. You have had many successes – big and small – in the past. Recall them to build your esteem. Ask yourself to remember a time when you had to cope with a difficult situation. What helped you to overcome that challenge? If you could overcome your fears and setbacks in the past, you can overcome this.
Lastly and fourthly, lighten up and see the humour in setbacks and mistakes. Even the most successful person you know has made mistakes. In fact, successful people are likely to make more mistakes than the average person. They learn and grow very fast with every mistake they made.
As you can see, building resilience takes practise and takes time. It does not happen overnight.
I hope these 4 resilience tips are useful to you.
Reframe your thoughts, get perspective, recall your past successes and see humour in your situations.
See you and have a good week.
3 Ways to Overcome Indecisiveness and Take Action
https://youtu.be/MroGtRlO4Ug
Feeling indecisive is frustrating.
It makes us stuck and not able to move forward. For some of us, it is due to perfectionism.
We want to make the most ‘perfect’ decision because we are immobilised by fear of failure. So how do we be more decisive?
Number 1: Stop overthinking.
Thinking for a long time does not mean the right answer will come. Instead, take action and adjust along the way. If needed, do a pros and cons list for your options – it helps to clear your mind.
Number 2: Choose a decision which makes you feel happy.
Sometimes we are influnced by other people’s opinions. For eg, you want to be an actress, but your father tells you that you ‘should’ be a teacher because you have a Masters Degree although you are not keen. So making decisions following others’ opinions is not going to work – you can’t unwant what you want.
Sooner or later, you will end up following your heart – might as well do it now.
Number 3: Reframe your thoughts.
This means, instead of being afraid of mistakes, we view mistakes as learning lessons. It’s okay to make the ‘wrong’ decision and fail.
Ask yourself what is the worst that can happen? Can you change your direction if you made the ‘wrong’ decision?
More likely, the outcome of the so-called wrong decision will not be as scary as we think.
I hope the 3 tips are helpful to you. Stop overthinking, choose a decisions which make you feel good and view mistakes as lessons.
Have a good week.
How to Say ‘No’ Without Seeming Selfish
The word ‘No’ is one of the toughest words to say. It can hurt, offend and anger. Even so, we need to know when to say ‘No’. If not, we will sacrifice our own well-being if we say 'Yes' and do things we don’t want to do.
We are taught to think of others and not to be selfish. We are also taught to put other people’s needs before our own. But if we do that, who will be taking care of our needs?
So how do we say 'No' without seeming like a selfish prick?
Number one, offer alternatives. If your friend wants to visit at 12 a.m. and you are exhausted, tell her so and offer another day to visit.
Number two, voice your discomfort. People rarely push you to do something if you are brave enough to say that you are not comfortable doing it. It takes courage to admit that we are not at ease doing something. Most people will respect you for being frank about it.
Number three, explain why you are saying 'No'. If you don’t want to lend your friend money, for example, explain that you can’t afford it, or on a budget. If your friend is reasonable, he won’t push you.
So these are 3 simple tips for you to start saying 'No' and protect your boundaries. Your feelings and opinions are as valid as others’. You deserve to feel good and live the kind of life you want to lead.
Have a good week!
6 Easy Ways to Start a Tech Detox with Your Mobile Phone for a Calmer and Less Anxious You
A technology detox once a week (or everyday!) can do wonders for us busy individuals – it makes us more present and enjoy the current moment, makes us less anxious and helps us feel calmer and less frantic.
If we are used to replying calls and messages instantly, weaning off technology might make us even more anxious. The trick is to try tech detoxing once a week and progress slowly. I’m not advocating you to be 100% free of technology, but reducing your interaction with a device from 95% of the time to 60% of the time (or lower) will make you feel good mentally.
6 Ways to Start a Tech Detox to be More Present, Have a Clearer Mind, Enjoy Life and Experience Less Anxiety
- Switch off tech gadgets 60 minutes before bedtime. Turn off your mobile phone, laptops and TV an hour bedtime. What can you do during this time? Enjoy a hot shower, journal, talk to your partner, savour a cup of hot tea, meditate, stare into the distance… you name it. A more relaxed mind = better sleep.
- Check your messages at hourly intervals only. Should you be free during a particular day with no urgent matters, check your Whatsapp messages or text messages every hour only, for example, at 2pm, 3pm and so on. With this tactic, you will be in control instead of letting your gadget control you.
- Switch your phone to vibrate mode the entire day. Having your phone beep and ring -sometimes repeatedly – at unexpected times of the day can set off anxiety. Let it be on vibrate mode and check as and when you wish to do so.
- Mute unnecessary Whatsapp groups. This is a no-brainer for some of us. We are sometimes pressured to be included in certain Whatsapp groups which notify us at unearthly hours with irrelevant information. Mute these groups, or if you are gutsy enough, quit those groups.
- You don’t have to reply to every text message or email. Yes, this line says it all. You might have friends or family members who love chatting via Whatsapp, but once it feels draining to reply them, leave them be and reply those messages later or not all.
- You don’t have to answer every call – you can call back later. This is a good tactic to ensure that you have less anxiety. If you don’t feel like answering someone’s call at that point of time, let your phone ring and call him or her back later when you are in a better frame of mind.
Last words
You are not obliged to be at someone’s beck and call, but unfortunately, society has the idea that you are supposed to answer calls and messages instantly or ASAP. You have the liberty to choose when and where you wish to answer your calls and texts. It’s not easy to do so, but once you have set your tech boundaries, your loved ones will get used to it and hopefully, respect those boundaries.
All the best.