We all hate to be criticised. At some point, we will face criticism – be it at work, in school or even by close family members.
If you are a critical person, chances are you are very hard on yourself and criticise yourself a lot. Being overly-critical does not make us an intelligent person – ironically, it makes us seem uptight and petty. Sooner or later, people will stop hanging out with us because critical people are just not fun to be with.
On the flipside, when we get criticism, we all react differently – some of us will counter attack, some of us will be defensive, whereas the open-minded ones will reflect.
How should we handle criticism in school or at work such that it serves us?
1. Be calm and open
Do not shoot your critic immediately. Be open minded and see whether there is any truth in that criticism.
This is a humbling act. But it expands our minds and if the criticism is true, we can use this opportunity to improve ourselves. It also makes us more aware of our flaws, if the criticism is indeed true.
If you feel angry and upset by the criticism, take about 30 minutes to calm down first before replying or you might say something you regret.
2. Decide if the criticism is fair or unfair
If your critic has your best interest at heart, you can listen to him. If your critic is giving you useless feedback based on his envy, insecurity or lack of knowledge, you can take his criticism with a pinch of salt. It’s just another form of bullying.
3. Get help if needed
Harsh criticism, name-calling, insults, put-downs are a form of bullying and emotional abuse.
Be aware that someone who is constantly bullying other people is someone who was likely to be bullied in the past. A person like this is insecure and gets the feeling of power and superiority by attacking someone whom he sees as quieter, milder or ‘weaker’.
It’s not easy to run away from him if you see him everyday at school or work. Thus, get the help from relevant people if you need to.
In conclusion…
It’s safe to say that some people are critical by nature and nobody and nothing will ever make them happy.
They will always find some nitty-gritty detail to pick on. These people are probably very critical of themselves as well and constantly bullying their own selves inside.
Hopefully we can all accept that making mistakes is part of learning, it’s part of life and be easy on ourselves and be easy on other people as well.
Have a good week.
How to Stop Comparing Ourselves with Others (and be happy where you are)
Comparing ourselves with other people is a natural thing to do. It’s also the fastest way to kill your own happiness. With social media, it’s so easy to compare ourselves with the perfect pictures that other people post online.
So why is it not good for us?
When we compare our own weaknesses with another person’s strength, it’s a losing game.
A person your age might be running a lucrative business and you are not working, for example If you compare yourself with him, you might be beating yourself thinking I should have done this, I should have achieved that, I feel like a failure etc.
Well…you might not be talented at business like your friend, but you might have a gift for something else. So your friend adds value to society by offering his business services whereas you can add value by sharing your talent or skill – be it teaching, cooking, care-giving or anything else.
There is no point comparing yourself with him because you are both likely talented in very different areas.
I have chosen 3 ways for us to stop comparing ourselves with other people.
1. Know yr blessings
This is so cliche, but be aware of your own blessings. There are other people out there who think u are lucky – maybe you have a loving family, a supportive husband, genuine friends, you have well-behaved children or u are doing a job you love. So your friend may be running a multi million dollar business, but you have a group of genuine friends who love u for u are – which your successful friend might or might not have. Everyone is blessed in different ways.
2. Stop Yourself
If you catch yourself comparing yourself with another person, take a deep breath and pause for a bit. Don’t beat yourself up for thinking that way but acknowledge that you are now comparing yourself to your friend Wendy and gently change the focus of your thoughts.
3. Be Happy for Others’ Achievements
It’s easy to feel envious when a friend has achieved something that we secretly want to achieve as well. If you feel envy, it’s good to be upfront and say, ‘I wish I have the same success as you! I’m so envious.’ When you are honest about your envy, it feels as though a weight has been lifted off your shoulders and it’s the first step to improving yourself. Also, celebrate your own successes. Share with trusted people if you feel good about a job promotion, if you have a pay raise and so on.
So essentially, life is not a competition, it doesn’t matter if you are up in the ranks or make the most money or not. Let’s face it – as long as you have people who love you, health, a place to live, food, you are blessed. And I’m sure many of you watching this have all of that and more.
So the 3 steps to stop comparing yourself with others are 1) Know your blessings 2) Stop yourself 3) Be happy for others’ success
Have a good week.
4 Basic Ways to Bounce Back from Embarrassing Mistakes and ‘Failures’ (Resilience)
https://youtu.be/BUXj0v8MoI8
Why is resilience important ? Let’s face it, we can’t avoid certain stressful events from happening.
At times we will make mistakes and fail at something. This is normal and part of life.
For some of us, we brush away challenges and failures very easily. For the rest of us, setbacks make us feel depressed and we give up.
So how do we be more resilient?
When I was a school counsellor, I noticed a few key factors which set strong students apart from the not-so-strong ones.
Firstly, strong-minded people practise reframing. How do we reframe? Ask yourself after a setback: ‘What do I learn from this setback?’. ‘What will I continue to do or not do after this experience?’ ‘How can I be a better, stronger person after this?’
Secondly, gain perspective. On a Scale of 1 – 10, how would you rate this unpleasant experience? How will you feel about this 1 year from now? Will this event still matter 1 year from now? There will be some of us who will worry what other people think of us and our ‘failures’. Well guess what. Other people are too busy living their lives to think extensively about you. So don’t let your past mistakes haunt you till today.
Thirdly, recall your past successes. You have had many successes – big and small – in the past. Recall them to build your esteem. Ask yourself to remember a time when you had to cope with a difficult situation. What helped you to overcome that challenge? If you could overcome your fears and setbacks in the past, you can overcome this.
Lastly and fourthly, lighten up and see the humour in setbacks and mistakes. Even the most successful person you know has made mistakes. In fact, successful people are likely to make more mistakes than the average person. They learn and grow very fast with every mistake they made.
As you can see, building resilience takes practise and takes time. It does not happen overnight.
I hope these 4 resilience tips are useful to you.
Reframe your thoughts, get perspective, recall your past successes and see humour in your situations.
See you and have a good week.
3 Ways to Overcome Indecisiveness and Take Action
https://youtu.be/MroGtRlO4Ug
Feeling indecisive is frustrating.
It makes us stuck and not able to move forward. For some of us, it is due to perfectionism.
We want to make the most ‘perfect’ decision because we are immobilised by fear of failure. So how do we be more decisive?
Number 1: Stop overthinking.
Thinking for a long time does not mean the right answer will come. Instead, take action and adjust along the way. If needed, do a pros and cons list for your options – it helps to clear your mind.
Number 2: Choose a decision which makes you feel happy.
Sometimes we are influnced by other people’s opinions. For eg, you want to be an actress, but your father tells you that you ‘should’ be a teacher because you have a Masters Degree although you are not keen. So making decisions following others’ opinions is not going to work – you can’t unwant what you want.
Sooner or later, you will end up following your heart – might as well do it now.
Number 3: Reframe your thoughts.
This means, instead of being afraid of mistakes, we view mistakes as learning lessons. It’s okay to make the ‘wrong’ decision and fail.
Ask yourself what is the worst that can happen? Can you change your direction if you made the ‘wrong’ decision?
More likely, the outcome of the so-called wrong decision will not be as scary as we think.
I hope the 3 tips are helpful to you. Stop overthinking, choose a decisions which make you feel good and view mistakes as lessons.
Have a good week.
How to Say ‘No’ Without Seeming Selfish
The word ‘No’ is one of the toughest words to say. It can hurt, offend and anger. Even so, we need to know when to say ‘No’. If not, we will sacrifice our own well-being if we say 'Yes' and do things we don’t want to do.
We are taught to think of others and not to be selfish. We are also taught to put other people’s needs before our own. But if we do that, who will be taking care of our needs?
So how do we say 'No' without seeming like a selfish prick?
Number one, offer alternatives. If your friend wants to visit at 12 a.m. and you are exhausted, tell her so and offer another day to visit.
Number two, voice your discomfort. People rarely push you to do something if you are brave enough to say that you are not comfortable doing it. It takes courage to admit that we are not at ease doing something. Most people will respect you for being frank about it.
Number three, explain why you are saying 'No'. If you don’t want to lend your friend money, for example, explain that you can’t afford it, or on a budget. If your friend is reasonable, he won’t push you.
So these are 3 simple tips for you to start saying 'No' and protect your boundaries. Your feelings and opinions are as valid as others’. You deserve to feel good and live the kind of life you want to lead.
Have a good week!