7 Listening Skills Which Can Catapult an 'Average Listener' to becoming a 'Good Listener' at Work & at Home | by Shikah Anuar

listening skills

I’ll be showing you 7 key ways how you can jump  from being an Average Listener to being a Good Listener today.

I'll be simplistic: All of us love good listeners.

They make us feel important, that our opinions matter and that they care about us.

Being a good listener sounds like a meek character trait, but it has a lot of power.

Your personal life and work lives flourish if you are a good listener

Why would anyone wish to be a good listener?

Simply put, if you are a good listener, people will naturally flock to you if they have an issue. People will love talking to you, listening to you and as time passes, care and respect you.

I know - some of you think it's horrifying to have people come and talk to you when they are facing small problems here and there ;)

You don't have to solve their problems.

If you apply my 7 Steps below, you can enjoy the benefits of having meaningful relationships with the people around you.

How does this benefit you in the workplace and at home?

In many ways, as you can imagine.

If you are a leader and you are a good listener, your subordinates will cooperate with you.

If you are a subordinate and you are a brilliant listener, your superior will care for your opinions. And even approach you for your viewpoint on matters.

All this sounds simplistic, but human beings are essentially simple in nature ;)

If you are a mother, you can imagine all the Heaven’s doors opening when you are a good listener to your child.

In short, your child will

• Confide in you more often (no more confiding in questionable ‘friends’)
• Truly care about you
• Be a genuinely good person because he has a mother who is understanding. (no need for him to look for bad company to get acceptance)

If your child is a teen or pre-teen, it's even more crucial to be good listeners to them... before they start looking around for 'friends' to 'understand' their frustrations.

How do I become a good listener in 7 Steps?

There are 7 steps to becoming a good listener

Step 1: Which level are you at?

Step 2: Use Proper Body Language

Step 3: Ask more questions 

Step 4: Don’t give advice 

Step 5: The Magic of Paraphrasing

Step 6: Be silent

Step 7: My Tips on How to talk to angry people

Step 1 : Which level are you at?

There are 5 levels of listening.

Which one are you at?

Let’s assume a scenario where your friend, Janice, is confiding in you that she has been stressed out at work recently. 

Janice: "I've been very stressed at work recently. My colleague just quit and I have to take on her work load. My boss is not showing signs of hiring someone new. My work load has doubled and I have been bringing work home and working till 1 am on many nights."

Definition

Example

Level 1 (Very bad reply) 

Very unhelpful reply. 

Your reply: ‘You think you are stressed? You should listen to my day at work today!’

Level 2

(Very bad reply)

Giving advice and solutions before exploring the issue properly.

Your reply: ‘You should talk to your boss! Tell him that your workload is too much!'

Level 3

(Ok reply)

A reply which is not helpful or harmful. You are reflecting Janice's emotions.

Your reply: ‘I can sense that you are feeling frustrated by your workload.’

Level 4

(Ok reply)

Summarising Janice's thoughts and feelings.

Your reply: 'I can sense that you are frustrated by your workload and would like to reduce your amount of work and working hours.'

Level 5

(Good reply)

Helping Janice move forward after acknowledging her feelings and thoughts.

Note: It will take some rounds of Level 3 and 4 to understand Janice's situation better before you reach this stage.

Your reply: 

'I can sense that you are frustrated by your workload and would like to reduce your amount of work and working hours. What do you think you can do to achieve this?'

This is a simplified table to pinpoint which level our listening skills are at. 

If we are practising at Levels 1 & 2, it's time to move on to Levels 3,4 and 5 :)

Step 2: Use Proper Body Language

What facial expression should you keep on your face when someone is telling you something?

The best facial expression is to keep a slight smile on your face and your eyebrows neutral.

This is useful if you work with clients or customers and they tell you something which you don’t like to  hear.

Your eye contact is important. Break off your eye contact every 3-4 seconds so that you don’t creep anyone out.

You might feel shy or uncomfortable making eye contact when talking to certain people (someone you admire, someone you have wronged before etc).

To combat this, you can look at the person in between his eyebrows instead.

This tip doesn’t work for me because I get distracted when doing so. My mind will drift. But, it helps - according to body language experts.

Dont cross your arms when talking to someone. Uncross them to seem as though you are at ease and open to the other person’s ideas.

Step 3: Ask more questions

Don’t ask a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ question.

Example of a 'yes' or 'no' question: “Did you talk to Linda today?”

Ask open-ended questions. These will engage the person you are speaking to.

Example of an open-ended question: What do you think made Daniel do that?

 

Ask clarifying questions to show that you are paying attention.

As you can guess, ‘clarifying questions’ give you more info about your friend's situation.

For example: “Where did this incident take place?”

‘How long have you been working for this boss?’

Step 4 : Don’t give advice

Yes, do not give people advice.

This is so contrary to what most of us believe.

We think that our friends want advice and solutions when they rant to us about something.

Most of the time, they just want us to listen. You can reply by paraphrasing (check out Step 5).

IF your friend wants your advice or input, you can ask these 3 questions:

• ‘How do you think you can make the situation better?’
• ‘What other ways can we think of?’
• ‘How about trying XYZ method?’’

As a counsellor, I don’t support giving advice.

Firstly, we don’t know our friends’ problems 100%. She might have left out certain details, and so on.

We can give suggestions in a question format, such as the 3 questions above.

Besides, if your advice backfires, you will be in deep trouble.

Step 5: The Magic of Paraphrasing

Paraphrasing is a 'magical' skill, in my opinion.

It can instantly add warmth to your relationships. It can also build an empathetic relationship between you and another person fast. 

This precious bond means that he or she will unwittingly share a lot of information with you.

Paraphrasing makes another person feel understood. 

This is useful if you are talking to teenagers, subordinates, friends, colleagues etc.

Paraphrasing is not merely repeating what the other person is saying.

Good paraphrasing means that you are reflecting the emotions of the person talking to you.

For example:

Jennifer said: I don't think I can cope with the huge amount of work I have to do in the office. I am so tired that I feel like quitting!

You: So Jennifer, if I'm hearing you right, you are frustrated about the amount of work you have to do.

Jennifer: Yes, you are right!

Try this with your husband, teenage child, colleague tomorrow and see how fast they warm up to you and share information with you. :)

Step 6: Be silent

If you are an extraverted person, it's tempting to interrupt another person with solutions and advice when they are talking. ;)

To encourage a person to keep talking, or if you don't know what to say, you can just:

• Nod your head with a neutral facial expression
• Say 'I see', 'Uh-huh', 'Hmm'
• Saying neutral sentences like, 'Tell me more', 'What did you do?', 'Did that method work?', 'What's your next step?'

Step 7: My Tips on How to talk to angry people

This is a tricky situation.

My tips will be:

1. Stay calm
2. Stay neutral
3. Say, 'I see', 'Uh huh', whilst nodding your head (refer to Step 5)
4. REFRAIN from giving advice, tips or solutions to angry people until they have calmed down
5. If you are a pro at this, you can paraphrase the angry person's words (refer to Step 6) in a calm voice

An article from Mindtools.com suggests that you 'Distract' an angry person by creating a joke or asking them to watch a funny online video. Oh, the horror.

I'll say - No, don't distract an angry person this way. It's like lighting a fire to a bomb. 

Even if a person is just mildly angry, using my 5 tips above is much better as it makes the person feel understood and calm.

Let the angry person finish ranting and you will notice that he or she will calm down as the ranting goes on.

They need to release that angry energy and if you happen to be their target, just apply the 5 tips above.

I hope the article above is very helpful to you. Or, at least, gives you an idea or 2 on how to be a better communicator.

Have you tried any of the 7 steps above?

If yes, leave your comments below and tell me if they have worked (or not) for you.

See you in my next article and a have a good day.

Shikah

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How to start taking care of yourself without feeling guilty | Self Care for Beginners

People, especially women, tend to feel guilty when they put themselves first.

But…you have to prioritise your own needs and wants at times.

Self care, or taking care of yourself, is not selfish.

If you practise self care often, you’ll have more energy and enthusiasm. This means you’ll be a better partner, worker, parent, friend… etc. Everyone benefits from a more energised, happier You.

I don’t deny that we might have well-meaning friends or family who guilt-trip us and make us feel bad when we want to rest instead of ‘helping’ them do one thing or another.

Sometimes we need to stand our ground – easier said than done.

Because.., if we don’t look after our mental and physical well-being, who will?

So how do I Enjoy Self Care Without all these Guilty Feelings?

If you are a people-pleasing person, this is a tough one. But first, let’s break down why you are a people-pleaser in the first place.

People-pleasers lack some self-worth and fear rejection, but I will elaborate this in a different blog article for another time. 🙂

It’s okay to admit that we might lack self-worth… the first step to improving ourselves is to admit that we have an insecurity or two 🙂

People-pleasers value other people’s wants above their own. Even if people-pleasing Amy knows that Susan is taking advantage of her by, say, asking her to do extra work for her, Amy does it anyway. This can lead to stress and even depression for Amy in the future.

 

Firstly… Shift your mindset – your needs and wants are as important as anybody else’s.

You are not less valuable than anyone else :).

Every one of us is important to our family, friends and the community.

When I was in my early 20s, I used to think that being jobless or not earning a lot of money means someone is less valuable.

Someone who isn’t working might be contributing in other ways. You might not be a rockstar in the community but you matter to your loved ones.

Even chatting to your mother or listening to your sister’s rant is a form of ‘contribution’. You are fulfilling their social and emotional needs 🙂

I like this quote I came across on Youtube.

“If you ask yourself: “Did I make a difference today?” Ask yourself again: “Did I smile at a stranger today?” If you did, then yes, you made a difference.”

 

Tip 2: Take the day off!

Sounds selfish huh? 😉

Well, if we don’t look after our own mental health, no one is going to do it for us.

Taking the day off to recharge means that you will return to work or to your home duties more enthusiastically than before.

Everyone benefits from a happier, more enthusiastic You.

 

Tip 3: Meditation stops overthinking – that’s why it works so well

We’ve heard it a million times – meditation is good for us.

But you might not know how to start.

If you are tech-oriented, you might like apps like Headspace and Calm.

I personally only use Calm when I want to fall asleep fast. 🙂

My favourite meditation is this Feel Good Meditation. I’m not affiliated to the website in any way – I’m just recommending what works for me 🙂

Also, what works for others, might not work for you.

Meditation stops thought – which is great for overthinkers or people who ruminate a lot.

If you’ve tried meditation and it doesn’t help, maybe a more physical relaxation such as running, yoga or walking in nature might be useful.

 

Tip 4: Be present and have a clear mind

What works for me is a walk in nature.

If you don’t feel like moving, you can pop into a cafe (Starbucks or wherever) early on a weekday morning, order a cup of coffee and just calm yourself down with sips of coffee and people watch. Some people call this coffee meditation 😉

Reading in the library or even going to a big and quiet bookstore such as Kinokuniya helps.

Sometimes, just not touching your mobile phone or laptop for an hour or two can do wonders.

If you are working a 9-6 job, some of these are not practical, but that will be another article for another time!

Clear mind = calmer self = better decisions

 

Last tip…Tip 5: Be brave enough to say ‘No’ to unfair or unnecessary requests

I’ll relate a story which happened today as I was writing this very article at Starbucks.

I bought a cappuccino and tapped away – taking a 2-seater table.

After an hour, a server asked me to move to (a less comfortable table) to give way to a family of 3.

In my hazy-minded state, I just moved and got up on one of those uncomfy high stools which I hate.

Upon reflection, I should have said ‘No’ to the server.

I was a customer at a 2-seater table. I had every right to sit at a comfortable 2-seater spot if I wanted.

So… be brave to say ‘No’ when someone makes a rather unfair request 🙂

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I’ll admit that Tips 2 and 5 will still leave some of us with feelings of guilt.

However, we have to refer to Tip 1 and remember that our wants and needs are as important as anyone else’s.

So how do you practise self care? 

Share your tips in the Comments section below! 🙂

And don’t forget to share this article on Facebook if you think your friends will benefit from any of the tips above.

See you in the next article. 🙂

Share your Goals.

If your child does not have any goals, you can start by sharing your own adult goals with them.

You might be surprised to learn that your child or teen is interested in your aims and long-term plans.

If you are a stay-at-home-parent, you can share your own aims of raising happy, healthy children or your volunteer work (if you do any).

Sharing and supporting each others’ goals is one way to motivate your child to set his or her own goals.

There is a Reason Behind Every ‘Bad’ Behaviour

Labelling our child as a ‘lazy child’, a ‘careless child’ and a ‘troublemaker’ (etc) will reinforce these labels on our child.

Hearing these labels all the time will create a belief in their minds that they are indeed lazy, careless and a troublemaker.

As a result, they will continue to behave that way.

Shift our mindsets to think that there is a reason behind every ‘bad’ behaviour.

Maybe your child wants more attention, wants to get more expressions of love from you – or wants to feel a sense of belonging!