(Free Printable) 3 Actions to Overcome Perfectionism & Feel Relaxed

I’ll be sharing 3 practical actions to overcome perfectionism and feel less overwhelmed.

“I’m such a perfectionist, I hate myself.”

I can’t believe I had this thought in my head 3 days ago. Talk about chronic perfectionism.

I wanted to write a blog post that day but the thought of putting together the perfect helpful blog post + perfect worksheet + perfect images made me paralysed and not move.

“Perfection is a Fairy Tale”

Thank you www.dailyfemme.com for this quote.

I will start by listing 7 obvious signs of perfectionism.

If you know that you are a perfectionist already, I’ve prepared a cheatsheet below which will help tone down your perfectionistic thoughts and feel more relaxed, fast.

7 Obvious Signs of Perfectionism

1. Black and white thinking

For example: “If I can’t get this blog post right, might as well not do it at all.” or “If I can’t prepare this (free) presentation properly, might as well not do it. If I want to share and conduct a presentation - even if it’s voluntary - it must be done properly.”

2. Obsessing over small ‘mistakes’

For example: “I should not have Whatsapped my superior that joke I saw on Facebook! It’s such a lame joke. He might think that I’m being too friendly. It’s so embarrassing, I can’t face him now. He might think I’m hitting on him.Oh sh*t, I need to correct this mistake right now.

3. Procrastinating

For example: Putting off writing a blog post like this one because it requires too much effort to write a solid blog post which strikes emotions of readers, has an engaging storyline, has pretty Pin-worthy images, a helpful worksheet to download etc

4. Critical of others and self

For example: “He can’t even come to our meeting punctually that one time. How can he be giving us a presentation on work discipline next week?” Or “He is volunteering to give this presentation to us. It’s so basic. If he wants to present something, do in-depth research and do it properly.”

5. Anxiety due to perceived lack of control

For example: Shortness of breath when your mind clouds with details of a project you want to do. Coupled with a quickening of your heartbeat.

6. Do you hope for success or fear of failure?

For example: When you start a new project, are you working hard on it because you are hoping for it to be a success? Or are you working hard on it because you are scared it will be a flop? The latter is perfectionism at work

7.Obsessing over small decisions

For example: Taking a long time to make a guess when playing a fun game with friends because you want to be right. Or getting upset when your boyfriend/husband buys the “wrong” chicken part at the supermarket.

How do you overcome perfectionism and feel more relaxed? I’ve prepared a cheatsheet which helps you to reduce your perfectionistic thoughts fast.

3 Ways to Overcome Perfectionism

1. View your ‘problem’ from someone else’s point of view

Problem: You plan to finish writing a solid article or a solid work report within 2 hours but did not manage to do so.

Your perfectionistic thought: “I’m hopeless as usual  - can’t even stay focused to finish this report in 2 hours as planned. Such a lazy bum. Always distracted. I’m never going to get anything worthwhile done by the deadline.”

Actions to take:

How would you comfort a friend who is facing this same ‘problem’? You are likely going to be kinder on your friend than on yourself. Why not be kind to yourself as well?

How would (insert name of a level-headed friend) view this ‘problem’? Your level-headed friend might conclude that she is currently stressed or tired and thus, could not be productive as expected. She might choose to switch off her laptop, go spend time with her loved ones to recharge and return to the report later in the day.

How would you explain why you are facing this ‘problem’?  Perhaps you didn’t have proper sleep last night, thus affecting your concentration today. Perhaps you have too many tasks on hand. Maybe you are just having an ‘off’ day due to personal problems. It's not because you are incompetent!

2. Tone down your nasty critical thoughts

Based on the example above: Instead of labelling yourself as “hopeless”, “always distracted”, be kinder to yourself. No one is expecting perfection out of you - only you do.

Balance your critical thoughts with:

“Everyone has an ‘off’ day at times.”

“It’s normal not to be productive every single day. Even robots need their ‘rest’.”

“Everybody makes mistakes. Mistakes are not life-threatening.”

3. Risk making more mistakes

If you are a perfectionist, you are going to freak out by this suggestion.

Risk making more mistakes means taking, say, 2 hours to prepare a presentation when you would normally take 5 hours.

Rehearsing your presentations only 1 time instead of rehearsing 10 times.

Allowing yourself to make small mistakes in your daily life instead of over-preparing every darn thing.

Ditch the shopping list when grocery shopping (this actually makes me feel nervous!).

The point of all these actions is to go with the flow, be more spontaneous and think on your feet when the time calls for it.

Thinking on your own feet and being spontaneous makes you feel more alive and relaxed as opposed to over-preparing and following a ‘script’ or rigid to-do list.

Try it!

What is the ideal transformation for a perfectionist?

We are striving to enjoy the process instead of just achieving goals and outcomes. Ask for help when you need it - admit that we can’t do it all (and shouldn’t) for the sake of our mental health.

Set realistic goals which are flexible and adjust when needed. Don’t set rigid demands and goals on yourself - situations and circumstances can change. Might as well be adaptable.

We also hope to recover easily from mistakes and not beat ourselves up for a mistake we made many years ago (which other people probably don’t care or don’t remember).

To help you transform and be more relaxed and less harsh on yourself, you can download the cheatsheet I’ve prepared below.

"Sometimes, perfectionists need to practice making mistakes so that they can learn for themselves that it is not life threatening."

Share this article with your friends to help them with perfectionistic thoughts as well!

Shikah

5 Small Actions To Help You Enjoy Your Job if You Can’t Quit

Hate your job but can’t quit?

I won’t advocate for everyone to quit their jobs and start businesses because not everyone is cut out for self-employment.

So if you are one of those, or you just can’t quit yet, I have 5 practical actions you can do to minimise the hate and increase the enjoyment level in your job.

5 Small Actions To Help You Enjoy Your Job if you can’t quit

Action 1: Decorate your desk

‘Decorate your desk’  sounds like a lame suggestion, but it works to lift your mood.

Come to work early (or on a non-working day) and spend time beautifying your work space.

How do you start? With the un-fun stuff first - clearing all the unused papers, documents, rubbish lying on your desk or around it. So you have a clean slate to work with.

Then start pinning cheerful photos of you and your friends, your loved ones, pets, travel photos - which make you happy. (Please don’t pin photos which do nothing to make you feel good.)

When I was working as a counsellor, I had a picture of the Atlas mountains (taken during a trip to Morocco) pinned at my desk.

I chose it because I got a feeling of perspective of how vast and ‘big’ the world is, should I feel stressed or overwhelmed at work (usually over small matters).

Then, you can choose to add a small plant or two to give you some perspective whilst you are in the office.

Or just decorate it with pretty stationery.

You might have to ‘refresh’ your desk decor after a few weeks if you start feeling bored and tired of your workspace.

No inspiration? Head over to Google Images and search for ‘pretty workspace’ or something similar.

Action 2: Do something you love outside of work

You have to have a group of lovely people to hang out with on your weekends and evenings.

It can feel quite miserable to go straight home from work everyday with no social interaction.

No, we don’t have to hang out with friends and family every night, but slot at least 2 days a week to socialise.

Too lazy to go to fancy cafes for a meetup? Stroll over to a nearby Starbucks or coffee place and have tea with a friend. Or, invite friends over to your place.

And...you have to have a hobby. It keeps you sane during stressful times or when you feel bored out of your mind by your work.

Your hobbies might change as the weeks pass, but that’s okay. You don’t have to stick to 1 hobby.

You might like crafting this month, you might like cooking healthy food next month, you might like creating pretty printables on Adobe inDesign the following month, etc.

You can also take an inexpensive online course (on a subject you love) from Udemy or even learn a new basic skill or two from Youtube videos.

The following month, you might lose interest and jump on to a new topic, but that’s okay. That’s why I recommend inexpensive or free online courses - until you hit on a topic or skill that you really, really love and possibly create a side hustle from that.

If you love online shopping for pretty, high-quality clothes, I recommend lastcall.com - a Neiman Marcus discount website. Or even Asos. But only if you buy mindfully and make use of their return policies if a clothing item doesn’t suit you!

 

Action 3: Get to know your colleagues

This is a tricky one but if you are friends (to the extent of hanging out after work) with your colleagues, you actually look forward to going to work.

You start scouting for friends by narrowing them to people of

1. the same gender (it gets complicated to be friends with colleagues of the opposite gender).
2. And the same age range with you (3 years’ difference in age).

This is in assumption that you are working in different job positions within the same workplace (eg: you are a teacher and your colleague-friend is the school counsellor).

Basically, don’t make friends with colleagues you are ‘competing’ with, at the workplace. :D

Action 4: Clear your desk

Clearing your desk won’t immediately make you love your job, but it makes you calmer.

Clutter, mess, indeterminate pieces of paper can overwhelm you at work. (Not to mention being a breeding ground for roaches.)

If you can, go paperless and take photos of documents and upload them on your Google Drive account.

Using a Google Calendar is helpful. It will reduce the number of post-its, paper planners, notebooks on your table. You can view your tasks on the go too.

Some people like to use the Trello app, but I like to keep things simple by dumping all my tasks in a take-one-day-at-a-time format such as Google Calendar or any other calendar app.

Using Trello makes me a tad anxious when I see my boards and the list of to-dos inside each board.

Keep your workspace as minimalistic as possible to be calmer and reduce overwhelm everyday.

Be mindful of every item on your desk and in your drawers. Know exactly what each item is for.

 

Action 5: Bring Goodies for your colleagues

This simple gesture needs a low investment but reaps high returns.

It’s an underrated technique to boost your feel-good feelings at work!

How this works: You are bringing goodies to make your colleagues feel good about you and for you to feel good via being nice to others. It’s a win-win.

It’s as easy as giving everyone a piece of chocolate, a pretty pen, baked goods, a snack or two.

This giving act can raise the mood of the office instantly.

Want the most helpful tip yet?

I'll email it to you! Just click the link below and fill in your email address :)

3 Key Self Care Habits to Treat Yourself Well

self care 2

I know people who will cringe if I told them that I wanted to rest and do nothing today.

“Didn’t you just ‘do nothing’ last Monday?”

“What do you do on most days such that you need so much rest?”

“Why not do something useful?”

Well, taking care of myself is something useful.

But this is a concept that some women are still uncomfortable with.

Self-Care is not Selfish – it Makes Us a Better Employee, Wife, Mother

Being a new mother saps up a lot of my energy. 

But, I notice that when I do certain activities such as the ones below, my energy skyrockets, I feel buzzed, I feel enthusiastic.

Your self-care list will look different from mine, but a snapshot of my self-care list is below:

• Meeting, chatting and laughing with my girlfriends
• Getting my hair done at a salon
• Getting my monthly 2-hour facials
• Taking my time to do my makeup (when I look good, I feel good)
• Publishing a satisfying blog post at 630am in the morning
• Having a nice, warm bath
• Reading a lighthearted chick-lit book
• Yoga at home (you can do a Youtube search for 'Yoga with Adrienne')
• A walk in nature with my little one
• Going for a date with my husband

You'll notice that you feel lighter and even have a small smile on your face.

And you have enthusiasm out of nowhere after doing activities which make you feel so darn good.

Much of the tiredness we feel is mental stress. (70,000 thoughts running through our minds everyday. Over-thinkers have it worse)

So, after looking after our minds and bodies, we'll be recharged enough to perform our duties - better than before.

So self-care is not selfish.

3 Key Self Care Habits to Treat Yourself Well

1. Self-Care and Social Media

We spend way too much time on IG and Facebook.

So be mindful of people you are 'friends' with and people you 'follow' on these platforms.

All of us definitely have a Facebook 'friend' or two who likes to criticise others on their 'wall', have sinister motives of being 'friends' with you or people who like to not-so-humble brag ;)

If you feel irritated with their posts, just 'unfollow' them (or 'unfriend' if you want to get drastic).

You are supposed to have fun on social media, not feel down.

Actually, a touch of 'bragging' - just a touch - of your achievements on Facebook or IG can give you great esteem-like feelings. 

It might even inspire your friends.

Some posts will also trigger insecurities and make you compare yourself with that person. 

Similarly, unfollow or unfriend. :)

You can 'follow' or re'friend' that person once you are in a better mental space to handle other people who have lives that you envy.

Oh, and do remember that the perfect pictures we see on IG take a lot of curation.

Posing, snapping a hundred shots to get a good one, climbing up on a chair to take a flatlay snap, juggling the iPhone in an awkward position to get that perfect shot....

The picture looks perfect, but I'll bet the behind-the-scenes situation is not.

What does this mean?

A person's seemingly perfect life on social media is maybe just 30% of what is going on in their real lives.

I'm not saying that everyone has a terrible life.

But everyone has her own unique circumstances and unique problems.

So there is no point envying another person's IG feed. ;)

2. Self-care for Bad Feelings

When we feel sad, hurt or angry, some of us choose to suppress those feelings or ignore them.

Well, the feelings will go away faster if we sit with them.

What this means is...

• we acknowledge that we are feeling hurt at that time
• allowing ourselves to sink into that feeling (warning: it feels awful)
• cry if you want to
• it might take a week or as fast as 3 minutes for the feeling to dissipate

The point is not to ignore your 'bad' feelings or be in denial. The first step to change is to admit that we have an issue.

Also, notice if you are distracting yourself by indulging in excessive eating, shopping and surfing the Net.

3. Self-Care in Under 10 minutes

If you need a quick self-care break, you can do the following:

• go out and take a walk to clear your mind
• watch an inspirational video on Youtube 
• take a quick shower
• apply a few drops of your favourite essential oil on your wrists and collarbone and enjoy its scent.
• phone a trusted person for a chat
• some stretching exercises
• 'coffee meditation' : make a good cup of coffee, sit somewhere alone and savour the aroma and every sip. With no phones, no TV, no books nearby.
• plan a trip somewhere
• plan a surprise party for a friend / family member 
• nap
• meditate 
• surf a website or forum that you enjoy
• look up for recipes which you would enjoy cooking that day
• do something nice for a loved one
• research on a new restaurant you can try this weekend
•  

The above is a simple checklist.

But if you try any  of the above activities (which resonate with you), it should lift your mood and recharge you.

Sometimes we forget that life is wonderful when we feel good.

We are used to being told that 'life is hard', 'no pain, no gain', 'we must endure things we hate' (why though??), 'we must serve ALL our clients even those who don't appreciate us', and the constant 'we should do this...', ' we must do that...'.

Our emotions are our compass in life.

If we feel bad or lousy doing something, chances are, we should be doing something else.

I like to remind people that you are good the way you are. Listening to your sister rant about the bad day she had or helping your mother with something gives them the emotional support they need.

"Just for a while, be open to the possibility that there is nothing wrong with you." - Cheri Huber

See you in the next article.

(Free Workbook) 7 Secrets to Build High Self-Esteem and Feel Empowered

7 powerful ways to build high self-esteem and feel confident and empowered.

Low self-esteem is not a problem only faced by teenagers and youngsters.

There are many adults today - even in their golden years - who don't have high self-esteem.

This is sad because low self-esteem can make our relationships suffer, we are constantly envying other people and make us feel lousy about ourselves. 

It's time to change that!

If you need a shortcut, you can download my Self-Esteem Workbook below.

Good self-esteem will make us feel great about ourselves

I'm sure you know a person or 2 who are comfortable in their own skin.

They don't crumble when people criticise them unjustly. They are comfortable saying 'I'm sorry' when they are wrong. And they are confident of their own talents. They can laugh at themselves.

 

The wonderful thing about high self-esteem is that it gives us

• more success at work

• we seem more attractive to our partners

• we don't need others' approval

• life seems more bright and joyful and less gloomy

• we feel great about ourselves

Where did our low self-esteem come from?

If you are curious to know how low or high your self-esteem is, you can try this self-esteem test.

Honestly, I don't think it's our fault entirely if we have low self-esteem. 

That's because the way our parents brought us up, had a HUGE impact on our self-esteem.

• Were you expected to be 'perfect' when you were young?

• Were you harshly criticised if you had a big dream or wanted something badly?

• Were you constantly compared to other kids?

• Have you 'failed' at achieving something (eg: losing a game, scoring a D in an exam) and made to feel as though you were a complete failure as a person?

The above are some examples of how our parents might have unknowingly stumped our self-esteem.

If you want a quick boost of self-esteem, my Raise Self-Esteem Now worksheet can help!

7 Strategies to Build Our Self-Esteem

Strategy #1: Accomplish more

I'm not referring to accomplishing something as big as winning an award or getting a medal at some sports event.

We can set small goals, pursue the small goals and achieve them. Once we've achieved our goals - be it small or big goals - we will have esteem-like feelings.

Make sure that the goals you set bring satisfaction to yourself. Don't set goals to please another person or to get praise!

Do you know what's interesting?

Bragging a little bit of our accomplishments on Facebook or Instagram can also boost our self-esteem.

Just don't overdo it ;)

Strategy #2: Be Aware of Your Talents

This might seem obvious to some of us.

But low self-esteem people are not aware or choose to ignore their strengths. 

If you put pen to paper and list your strengths and talents, you will be surprised that your list is longer than you thought.

Or, you can get a trusted person to list your strengths.

You will get insight into your talents you were not aware of!

Strategy #3: Treat yourself like a worthy person

This is where self-care comes in.

Pamper yourself with a massage. A warm bath. Diffuse some essential oils (geranium essential oil brings out feelings of self-love if you are into the metaphysical). Play with a pet or child. Journal. Exercise. Dine at your favourite place.

Basically do activities which make you feel awesome.

These feel-good activities will send signals to your mind that you are a valuable person worthy of nice things in life.

Strategy #4: Fake it till you make it

Is there a celebrity whom you admire because she is so confident of herself during interviews?

Or someone you know personally?

We can model their body language.

Confident people tend to shake hands firmly, make eye contact, speak clearly and stand tall.

When we adopt their body language, people will treat us with respect which in turn, makes us feel confident.

I admire Queen Rania of Jordan. She gently draws boundaries when meeting people in public places, whilst maintaining a smile on her face and very polite body language. Even when unknown women rush to hug her at events.

Jennifer Lopez is another celebrity who is a master in people skills.

She can answer awkward interview questions with jokes, she laughs at herself and effortlessly makes herself seem humble.

Whether she is truly like that in real life or not, we are not sure. But it's a well-honed skill.

If you want a shortcut to building your self-esteem, you can always download my Self Esteem Workbook below.

Strategy #5: Talk & spend time with high self-esteem people

I can’t stress this enough. Hanging out with positive people makes us feel good.

They help us to re-frame any problem we have as something that will pass.

High self-esteem people will make us feel energised and recharged after hanging out with them.

They are open to admit any mistakes or 'failures' they've had.

And they will still be supportive of us when we make mistakes ourselves. 

In short, they accept us for who we are, flaws and all.

Hold on to these people tightly. 

Strategy #6: Be Kind to Yourself

I like a quote I came across recently: "You can't get life wrong because there's no such thing as getting life right."

Everybody makes mistakes. Successful people make even more mistakes than the average person.

When we 'fail' at something, focus on tweaking our strategies.

'Failures' are feedback that our strategies need tweaking.

'Failures' have nothing to do with us as a person. So don't beat ourselves up when we “fall”.

STRATEGY #7: Tame the inner critic

All of us have inner critics.

These pesky little things will negate our talents.

Inner critic example: "My superior praised my work today. I think he was just being polite. Or maybe he is in a good mood. I'm sure my work wasn't that fantastic."

We can reframe it with: "I feel good that my superior praised my work today. It may not be perfect, but I did the best I could. I feel proud for pushing myself."

I know of a successful businessman who has an unorthodox approach to this.

He visualises his inner critic as an iguana (of all things!). He said that all of us have these 'iguanas' living in our minds.

When negative self-talk starts in his mind, he will shrug it off as the 'iguana' blabbering (yet again).

This is one creative way we can separate our negative self-talk from ourselves. 

Please remember that changes in habit or mindset takes time. :)

My last thoughts on building high self-esteem:

We will not be a confident superstar immediately after applying all the 7 strategies above.

If we've been having low self-esteem for years, we can't just switch to being a confident person in 1 day.

Be kind to yourself and give yourself time to change.

You can learn more strategies to build high self-esteem from my blog posts such as:

• (Free Test) Do you have mild, moderate or severe low self-esteem? Find out now.

• These 5 Self Belief Habits will Boost Your Confidence

• (Free Printable) Raise Your Self-Esteem Now

And if you want a step-by-step guide to help you be that confident woman at work, download the Self-Esteem Workbook below:

Have a good week!

Shikah

The Formula for Giving Constructive Criticism Without Offending Anyone | by Shikah Anuar

constructive criticism

We've heard of the term 'constructive criticism' too many times.

It simply means to give suggestions which are supposed  to help another person change for the better.

But how do we give criticism - err, feedback - in a way that is easy for other people to accept (and change their habits to boot)?

Not Knowing How to Give Constructive Criticism Can Cost You Your Job

If we tell a person that he or she is "wrong", the person will usually get defensive. This is what I call 'the low EQ' way of giving constructive criticism =P

I used to work with someone - let's call her Gina - who holds a superior position in her workplace - and she always has to give feedback to her subordinates.

Gina is very smart, very meticulous and very proactive. I've not mentioned that she is constantly upgrading herself and always gives her 100% at work.

Her bosses and superiors adore her work ethic.

But not her subordinates. 

Gina is very task-oriented but lacks tact.

If she wants her subordinate to improve something, she will approach the person and just tell him or her point-blank: "Can you check this document now? It's wrong, the numbers don't tally. You need to check it now because we are running out of time." 

No niceties, no small chit-chat, nothing.

The sad thing is, Gina's subordinates rebelled against her in a passive-aggressive fashion.

They would 'forget' her task, take an extremely long time to finish her tasks or simply refuse to do her tasks - as much as they can get away with.

One subordinate even refused to talk to Gina and just communicated directly to Gina's bosses - by-passing Gina completely.

Gina has quit and switched companies many times and always, her constant complaint is that the people working with her have attitude problems.

I understand Gina's situation because managing a small group of people is challenging.

Sometimes, we have deadlines and when rushed for time (happens often enough!), we forgo all niceties and just verbally shoot the person who is not working up to standard in as little words as possible.

At the same time, when working with people, we have to be sensitive to their emotions because humans are emotional creatures. :) 

The Formula for Giving Constructive Criticism

The most popular way to give constructive criticism is to focus on what the person has done right before adding your input.

An example:

Instead of saying: "Cecilia, your method of teaching students is wrong. You should teach them using props, pictures and models instead of just reading off Powerpoint slides."

You can say this:

"You put in a lot of effort preparing these Powerpoint slides - they are full of useful information. At the same time, by using props, pictures and models, your classes will come alive!"

The formula for giving constructive criticism is this:

*(insert genuine praise for person's work) and then add  "At the same time, by *(insert your suggestion), *(insert benefits of your suggestion)."

I would say that the challenge is to craft genuine praise for another person's effort first, before telling her your suggestions. (Sometimes, the other person's work is too subpar to be praised)

If you can't rack your mind for genuine praise for someone's work, just say:

"You put in a lot of effort to do this and it is very beneficial. At the same time, by *(insert your suggestions), *(insert benefits of your suggestion)."

I would say that this formula works even on people who are very sensitive to feedback :)

I hope this short and sweet actionable tip is helpful for you.

If you've tried my constructive criticism formula on your colleague or child, let me know how it goes in the 'Comments' section below :)

See you in the next article!